AT HOME : Girlfriends, this Mother’s Day you need some tools
Posted on Sunday, May 4, 2008
URL: http://www.nwanews.com/nwat/Living/64823/
In most households,
certain tasks fall to the
man of the house. For instance, at my house, I expect Dan to carve the turkey, get up during the night when there’s a funny sound and open pickle jars. But when domestic repairs need doing, Mr. Helpful is often nowhere to be found. When the toilet backs up, the garage door sticks, the door handle comes off in your hand, the vacuum breaks or the washing machine floods, guys are usually MIA. In fact, statistics prove that the likelihood that the man of the house will be home when you need a repair is less than 10 percent. If you’re after a home improvement, men become even scarcer. If I want Dan to hang a mirror, install a drapery rod or replace the kitchen knobs, I have to compete with the sports channel and his teeoff time.
Begging our men to help turns us into pathetic, sniveling, needy, weaklings, which, let’s face it, creates frown lines and is heck on the mascara. This is why I’ve taught both my daughters to never, under any circumstances, be at the mercy of a man.
“ You always need to be able to make your own money and unclog your own toilet. ”
“ I’m going to be a trophy wife, ” says the oldest.
Never mind her. This Mother’s Day, I’m encouraging all women whether mothers or married or not, to give themselves a gift: Girlfriends, you need some tools.
Now, I’m not saying we girls have to give up our damsel-in-distress routines. I’m all for batting my eyelashes, feigning incompetence and saying oozy things like, “ How did you know how to fix that ?! ” and “ You’re so smart and strong, ” if I can avoid crawling into a space full of spiders or breaking a nail or lying under the sink in a compromising position.
But when my man’s not around and I need a home repair done, I can turn into a female Hercules. And for that, I need tools, my own tools, hidden in a secret place. You need to hide them because if your family knows where they are, they’ll whittle away at your stash starting with the small screwdrivers, which they’ll swipe to change the batteries in their Game Boys. I also like the idea of my own tools because I don’t like to scrounge through that greasy corner of the garage hunting down a hammer. That aversion alone is why, like most women, I have hung many pictures by pounding nails in with the heel of my shoe.
So when I heard about a tool kit just for women, the Essentials Tool Kit by GreatNeck, I had to have it. All the tools in the Essentials Tool Kit — a great Mother’s Day gift, retailing for $ 49. 99 (less at Wal-Mart ) — have handles molded to fit a woman’s smaller hand. The tools come in a 20-pocket, zippered canvas tote, which GreatNeck claims looks like a purse. That’s a stretch. It looks more like a canvas diaper bag. And that’s OK, so long as it doesn’t resemble a tackle box. The styling and colors — mine’s pink with pink and purple tools — make it a sure bet no selfrespecting man will walk off with it.
Of course, you can put together your own kit or get this one, which includes these essentials: screwdrivers, pliers, an adjustable wrench, a level, a claw hammer, safety glasses, fasteners, steel bits, a bit driver and 16 hex, metric and SAE keys — whatever the heck those are. In the extra pouches, you can add a cordless drill, a pencil, a putty knife, a flask of whiskey, a note pad, lipstick, sandpaper and the phone number of a 24-hour handyman.
Throw this bag over your shoulder, and you won’t find any man who won’t take you seriously. But here’s the downside: Once the man of the house knows you have a tool kit, next time you ask him to fix the faucet, he may very well say: “ You can do it. ” So do. Just don’t break a nail.
Once a girl has her own tools, the next thing today’s woman needs is knowhow. Sure it’s nice to have a handy guy around, but when he’s not, every woman should know how to do these DIY basics:
• Tell the difference between a flathead and a Phillips screwdriver
• Hang a picture straight
• Use a cordless drill and select the right size drill bit
• Plunge a toilet and clear a drain
• Check a circuit breaker
• Shut off the gas and the water main
• Know why, when and how to use a molly bolt
• Assemble a piece of furniture that comes in a box
• Put up a shelf
• Hang a window blind
• Fix a loose door hinge
• Repair a toilet float
• Instantly change into a helpless female the minute a partner is around who can do all that for her
Happy Mother’s Day.
Syndicated columnist Marni Jameson is the author of “ The House Always Wins ” (Da Capo ), available through Amazon and Barnes & Noble. For a chance to win a copy, send her your home improvement horror story. Details at www. marnijameson. com.